Post by Elycien on Aug 11, 2007 17:01:30 GMT -5
I wrote this all in a day. I wanted to do a NaNoWriDay, but I phailed miserably. Still... seven pages, which is insanely long for something this stupid. XDDDD Read and enjoy.
Chapter 1
We’d had a lot of company at our house, but I never had seen anyone eat cheese. It took me quite a while to figure this out, but after some time it was obvious. Our family could never get enough of the stuff. It seemed like Mom was bringing home a few more wheels of cheese every time she went on one of her weekly shopping trips. When I was eight years old, though, the secret came out; or at least part of it did. My best friend Chelsea was staying at our house overnight. The two of us were quite hungry, and after a while Chelsea asked the fateful question. “Mrs. McNarre, may I have some cheese, please?” she asked happily. Mom jumped a little and forced out the words, “No, I’m afraid we don’t have any cheese. None at all. We never buy cheese.” I’d never seen Mom look like that, and the thing was that Chelsea knew it wasn’t true. I ate cheese with her all the time; and so it was then that we decided to unravel the great cheese mystery of the McNarre family.
However, we didn’t unravel anything for years to come. Though I kept eating cheese – we loved the stuff – we never were able to figure out why Mom refused to feed it to anybody. Even family members were not exempt from this law, as we discovered when we bribed Cousin George to ask for some. His mother, Aunt Alexandra, frowned. “I don’t think you should have any cheese just now,” she said cautiously, but of course George went ahead and asked anyway. He never pays any attention to what Aunt Alexandra says, anyway. Nobody does – it’s well known that she is quite crazy. But maybe this time we should have listened. Just that once could have made all the difference.
In fact, we never found out anything substantial until we were fourteen and just entering high school. We still ate cheese, and we still talked about the mystery all the time – the Cheesy Enigma, we called it – but we just weren’t getting anywhere. We’d sort of forgotten about it over the summer, in the excitement composed of shorts, trips to the beach, and the large and incredibly smelly garbage truck that crashed very near our house. I still remember the way we would go over and look for extra banana peels. Good times.
But then the mystery resurfaced again in the form of our science teacher: Mrs. Kaka. She had a strange name, all right. That wasn’t the only strange thing about her. Right away, we noticed there was something strange about this lady.
The very first day we arrived, she glared at us all and said, “Drumsticks.” Everyone stared. “Yes. Drumsticks,” she continued. “That will be on your test.”
And it was. Question #36, multiple choice. “A. Peanut butter. B. Drumsticks. C. Trombones. D. The sky.” Next to me, Chelsea sort of started twitching, fell over, and passed out. It was the trombones. Nobody knew why Chelsea was so scared of them, but she was.
Right after the “drumsticks” comment, she added, “And anyone seen without cheese will fail. You must bring cheese.” Of course, that resurfaced all the old speculation in Chelsea and me, and again we resolved then and there to figure out the Cheesy Enigma.
It was a month later, and Chelsea and I were sitting together in Mrs. Kaka’s class feeling quite bored and wishing she’d mention cheese again. We were quite happy when, just before the bell rang, she added “Cheese!” sort of as an afterthought. She didn’t elaborate, though, and both of us were a little too freaked out by her to go up and ask, “What’s up with the cheese?”
After biology was my English class. Chelsea unhappily went off to choir. She’d tried band, but had ended up sitting in front of the trombones and had fainted when a slide had suddenly extended right next to her head. She had landed on a clarinet, and needless to say some people weren’t happy with her for that.
But rather than fainting at trombones, I was sitting through one of Mr. Soemah’s incredibly long-winded lectures. It was something about cats and pigs falling in love and being attacked by angry high school girls, but I wasn’t really listening. I was doodling a picture of cheese on my worksheet. I really did love cheese. It was, in fact, my favorite food.
“Miss McNarre!” he said sharply, and I jerked my head up, startled. “Tell me, what is the ratio of cats to pigs if the high school girls are eating bananas?”
“You’re not the math teacher,” I said, confused. “But the answer is cheese.”
He was quite pleased with me and gave me a banana. I don’t really like bananas, but I thanked him anyway. Then he saw my doodle and froze. “Miss McNarre!” he cried even more sharply than before. “You know that cheese-drawing is against school rules! Go to the principal’s office!”
“B-b-b-b-but Mr. Soemah!” I stammered. Maybe the stammering was a little overdone, in afterthought. “I never heard that! Remember how Student Council told us all the rules? I’ve remembered them all. And besides, Mrs. Kaka makes us draw cheese as an assignment. Every week, to be handed in before she eats her daily marker.”
Momentarily nonplussed, Mr. Soemah stared. “She… eats markers?” I nodded, and he shook his head. “Things are going to the dogs around here,” he added disgustedly. “I liked it better when she was doing pencils.” He noticed I was still sitting there. “Well? Go to the office!”
I went to the principal’s office feeling most disgruntled about the injustice of it all. When I reached her, she was clicking furiously at her GameBoy. She was rarely seen without it. “YES! Level up!” she cried, and then blinked as she saw me. “Ah, um, can I help you?”
“Mr. Soemah sent me here,” I said disgustedly. “All I did was this.” I showed her my cheese picture unhappily. She gasped in horror.
“Cheese,” she breathed. “This is a most serious offense, you know. To Mr. Soehma, anyway. Miss Karyote doesn’t really care, and neither do the Kakas… but some teachers just can’t stand it.” She stared at me, and I stared at the name plate on her desk. “Ms. Tooth.” Her father had been a dentist and had changed his name, and Miss Tooth wanted to keep it that way in honor of his memory. It was even rumored that her first name was “Molar.”
“You’re Ana McNarre, correct?” I nodded, and she frowned. “I thought so. Well, let me tell you this. You’re on shaky ground just being a McNarre. Look what happened to your brother.” I gasped. My brother had been expelled and had vanished shortly after. Everyone said it was a freak accident involving flying potatoes, not his fault in the least. “Listen. Cheese is a dangerous subject in this school. You know why it’s called Celery High, don’t you?” I shook my head. “It used to be called Celery-Cheese High. But as everyone knows, celery doesn’t go with cheese at all. The teachers were divided. Celery or cheese? The celery won, but… the cheese people have still survived.” Miss Tooth dropped her voice to a whisper. “They still linger here. Your mother was one of us once, but she has been so twisted by the Celery Side that now she can be neither cheese nor celery, forever suspended in a state of pumpkin. It is a terrible fate, and I would hate to have it happen to you! You can be quite important to us, Ana. Now… I’ll let you off without punishing you. You know that I am on your side, but the others mustn’t find out! The fate of our school rests in your hands, Miss McNarre. You are…” She paused for dramatic effect, her voice barely a whisper. “The cream cheese lump!”
I stared. “You have got to be kidding.”
“Oh, no!” said Miss Tooth. “The Cream Cheese Lump. It is an ancient Cheese prophecy. ‘When celery controls and all is lost, the Cream Cheese Lump will come to save the day!’ You must fulfill your destiny, Miss McNarre! Save us all!”
Then she smiled, waved me off to my next class (it was math) and went back to playing her video game. After school, I told all of this to Chelsea. She screamed.
“Noooo! I don’t want to be pumpkinized! WHAT DO WE DOOOOO, ANA?!”
“Um… panic?”
“Sounds good. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”
After running around screaming for a few minutes, we felt better and went inside to have some cheese. “So you are the Cream Cheese Lump in the prophecy?” said Chelsea. “Wow. Cool. Mozzarella or cheddar?”
“Mm, cheddar. Thanks. And yes, or at least Miss Tooth thinks so.” At the sound of our principal’s name, Chelsea snorted into her milk and had to be pounded on the back.
“Sorry,” she spluttered. “So, what do we do? I think we should follow Mr. Soemah everywhere he goes.”
“Agreed!” We did our secret handshake which had been invented six years previously, when we formed the Cheesy Enigma Alliance, and walked off trying to look mysterious, thinking about this new development. At least I thought we were. I was proven wrong when, several steps into looking mysterious, Chelsea abruptly screamed and passed out. Ah. Not cheese, then. Trombones. I sighed and dragged her inside. Being the Cream Cheese Lump could be awfully tiring, sometimes…
Chapter 2
The next morning, I woke up to find a cat staring at me.
The cat smiled and said, “Good morning.”
I fainted.
When I came to, the cat was still sitting on me. “Really, I was expecting the Cream Cheese Lump to be a bit braver,” he said. “I wish you weren’t a McNarre, though. McNarres always give me headaches. Well, I am Taratarakowineineeeela. Cheese cat guide, at your service!” He winked, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Cats winking? Really. Whatever next?
“Um, well, Mr. Tarakoraneelakowa…” I trailed off and the cat frowned. It made me twitch a little.
“Taratarakowineineeeela,” he said disparagingly. “But you may call me Teela. My duty is to guide you through your duty in the Cheese Prophecy. Oh, great Cream Cheese Lump!” This time he bowed.
“Teela, are you sure you’re… a cat?” I said, dazed.
“Of course I’m a cat! What did you expect, a lawn mower?” He looked at me like he thought I would explode. “My job is to guide you throughout your…”
“You already said that.”
“I did?” Teela sighed. “I always get that wrong. Probably why the last Cream Cheese Lumpy got pumpkinized.”
“What?” I gasped. “Got… got pumpkinized? But I thought I was the only Cream Cheese Lump there is…”
“No, no. He was a Cream Cheese Lumpy. Someone whose job it is to find the Cream Cheese Lump. I think that Molar Tooth is the current one, and she found you! She shouldn’t get a swelled head, though. She won’t be able to fit through doors and goodness knows that could be a problem. Well? You’ll have to take me to school today. I want to meet the current generation of Cheeses and Celeries. Come on!”
My mom and dad waved goodbye. My little brother just said “CRAYON!” I think that was a compliment, but I’m not sure. Nobody seemed to care about Taratarakowineineeeela’s presence, but it was only when I arrived at school that I noticed it.
He was purple.
I’m not just talking “sort-of-purple-but-really-more-like-brown.” No. Teela was indeed a bright, vibrant purple. I groaned. “I don’t think they allow cats at school, Teela. And a purple one won’t be exempt.”
“Oh, no, you’re the only person who can see me,” he said happily. “I think you have the power to permit others to see me, but… I have no idea how that’s done, so you’ll have to figure it out on your own.”
Great. Now I was weird AND crazy. By the time this was over with, people were going to think I was stranger than Mrs. Kaka. Talking to an invisible purple cat? Sheesh!
I hurried to find Chelsea. “You’ve got to hear this!” I whispered. I proceeded to tell her all about how I met Teela, not bothering to pronounce his full name.
“It’s Taratarakowineineeeela,” the cat muttered.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, and repeated the name as best I could. “See? I can see him and hear him, but you can’t! I wish I could figure out how to make you see him too.”
“You say he’s purple?” questioned Chelsea. “That’s so cool! I want to see him! Where is he?”
“Right there,” I said, pointing, but Chelsea couldn’t feel him any more than she could see him.
“Try this,” said Chelsea. “Just shout ‘YOU CAN SEE TEELA NOW!’ I bet it’ll work. I’ll do it with you.”
“You have to use my full name,” warned Teela. “It’s Taratarakowineineeeela, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“Okay.” The three of us took a deep breath (Teela was shouting too, although nobody could hear him) and hollered, “YOU CAN SEE TARATARAKOWINEINEEEELA NOW!”
Everyone stared at us. Then a bunch of people screamed and pointed at the cat by my feet. “Purple cat! Everyone run!”
Mr. Soemah ran over. “There’s a purple cat?” he cried. “Where? Where is it?”
“Oh, no!” I whispered. “He’s a celery! He’ll try to catch us and – and pumpkinize us! Or worse… turn us into mindless celery slaves!”
“Teela, run!” I gasped, and then stood up. “Oh NO! It’s like, a GREEN DOG!”
Mr. Soemah turned around, looking excited, and Teela streaked off in the other direction. Pandemonium ensued. Everyone started screaming. “The purple cat! There it goes! Catch it, somebody!”
“No! Green dog!” Chelsea and I shouted. We ran around, telling all our friends, “Shout about a green dog!” Confused, they obeyed.
“We have to save Teela!” I cried. “What will Mr. Soemah do if he catches him?” We ran around and around, yelling, “GREEN DOG! LOOK! THERE IT GOES!”
“I think I know how you can stop this,” said Chelsea, suddenly. “Just shout something about how only we can see Teela!”
“But what’s his name?” I gasped. “Taratarakowineineeeela? That can’t be it!”
“That is it, actually,” said Chelsea, and so we shouted again. “HEY, WE WERE JUST KIDDING! ONLY CHELSEA AND ANA CAN SEE TARATARAKOWINEINEEEELA!”
“Well done,” said a voice. Teela trotted up behind us. “But how did you know to distract the Celeries by shouting about Karaniealkinaaaap?”
“Who?” I said.
“Er, Karanie. The green dog who guides the Promised One of the Celeries: the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath!”
“You have got to be kidding.”
“Well, his friends call him Wrathy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Chelsea, can you see him?”
“Yeah! He’s so cute! Can I cuddle you?” Without waiting for an answer, she picked him up and started snuggling. “Awwwww. Such an adooorable wittle kitty-poo!” She fondled his ears.
Teela smiled, purring, and then shook himself. “I mean… hiss! Rawr! You don’t do that to a purple cat cheese guide, you know. Do that to Karanie if you ever meet her. Ugh. I can’t stand her.”
“Okies, I’ll do that!” She dropped him, and I looked at her.
“Chelsea, we’re late to class.”
“Oh, everyone is. Thanks, Teela. We should do that again sometime!”
“I’ll try not to,” muttered Teela, washing himself. “Ahem. I shall follow Ana McNarre, the Cream Cheese Lump. I hope I will not have to cross paths with you again today.” Tail erect, he stalked off.
“Um, Teela? Class is the other way,” I said.
That afternoon, Chelsea was over at my house. She was petting Teela, who although he was trying to look indignant was really enjoying it quite a lot. “Now, I should warn you,” said Teela. “There are two people who can naturally see me. The Cream Cheese Lump, and um… Wrathy. That is, the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath. So if someone goes ‘OH WOW, PURPLE CAT!’ – well, that’d be him. Or her.”
“OH WOW! PURPLE CAT!” cried Chelsea, pointing at Teela.
“Ana, quick! Run! She’s here!” Teela yowled, jumping up.
“No, I was just kidding.” Chelsea smiled.
“Oh, well, that’s all right then.”
The three of us decided to go to the swimming pool. It was an indoor pool owned by my uncle, and although Teela (being a cat) hated water, we decided it was a good idea. So we bicycled there, Teela sitting on my head, and finally arrived. We were having a good time swimming when suddenly Teela hissed.
“What is it, Teela? Did I splash you by accident?” I said with concern.
“No! She’s here! Karanie’s here!”
We gasped, turned around, and saw – or at least Teela and me saw – a green dog staring at us with disdain. “Karaniealkinaaaap!” I cried.
“I don’t see anything,” said Chelsea with a frown.
“Oh, um. CHELSEA! YOU CAN NOW SEE KARANIEALKINAAAAP!” I said loudly, waving my arms.
“Won’t work,” said Karanie coolly. “Only the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath can do that. So for now, only you and Taratara can see me.”
“That’s Taratarakowineineeeela to you, Kaaap,” hissed Teela.
Karanie bristled. “And that’s Karaniealkinaaaap to you.”
“Enough!” I said. “Karanie, you’re looking for, erm, Wrathy, aren’t you?”
“That’s right,” said Karanie. She almost purred. “And I’ve found him. Better than I could have wished for. He’s a Soemah. A very old and distinguished Celery family, I must say.”
We all gasped. “Mr. Soemah is the Wrathy?!” Chelsea cried.
“Mr. Soemah?” She frowned. Almost as strange a sight on a dog as it was on a cat. “I presume you mean Akyytu. But no, he is not the Wrathy. His nephew is… I think his name is Ikuy or something strange like that. The Soemahs have always been odd. But wonderful, of course! Very wonderful!”
“Ikuy? I think I know him,” said Chelsea after I had relayed all of this to her. “He’s a sophomore, isn’t he?”
“That’s right.” Karanie nodded. “And he’s so smart!” What followed this was a five-minute long recitation of Ikuy Soemah’s values. “—And he’s just the greatest Wrathy ever!” Karanie finished breathlessly with a slight squeal. We all stared at her.
“Uh, right,” I said. “Let’s go, guys.”
“What was that?” whispered Chelsea to me as we left.
“Nothing important. Just another Ikuy Soemah fangirl. Who just happens to have green fur and four legs.”
Chelsea giggled very hard. All of a sudden she gasped. “OH NO!” she shouted. Moments later she passed out. It was lucky that we had arrived at my house by then.
I shook my head. Trombones, again. Some things never change.
The next day, we decided to follow Ikuy. This was a bad idea. We kept getting run over by the other students, and yelled at by teachers when we intruded into his classes. After a while, though, we got smarter. Sort of.
“Hello, I have a message for Ikuy Soemah,” said Chelsea in a deep voice. “He needs to come down to the office.”
Did I mention that she was intruding on band?
And that Ikuy Soemah plays the trombone?
Ikuy rose from his seat and lifted his trombone, and Chelsea screamed and passed out. I sighed, looking over at Teela. He was standing behind her so that Ikuy wouldn’t see him. Teela accompanied me to all my classes except for the one I had with Ikuy, which was just band. The cat sighed and began licking Chelsea’s face. She giggled. Of course, to the rest of the room except perhaps Ikuy, it looked like she was giggling and swatting the air in front of her face for absolutely no reason. No wonder people thought Chelsea was an idiot.
Then our band director, Mr. Kaka, got paged by the math teacher. “Is Chelsea Nairi in there?” said Ms. Karyote, sounding exasperated.
“Why, yes, that IS Chelsea,” he said, sounding surprised. “She’s just passed out.”
“I thought so. Well, thank you.” A few minutes later, the nurse came looking rather annoyed and collected Chelsea from the ground.
So that was attempt number one.
Then we tried something else. At lunch time, we noticed that he kept going outside, so we snuck after him. “Mrs. Kaka,” I whispered. “We need to go outside, okay?”
She nodded absently and stuck a post-it note to my nose. I was used to that, though, so it was okay. Outside, we saw Ikuy Soemah… petting a green dog!
“AHAH!” I shouted. “We’ve found you! You evil thing, petting a green dog! You… are the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath!”
He turned around, and I about died. It wasn’t Ikuy! It was his cousin Tor. “What are you talking about?” said Tor, and then I saw that the dog wasn’t Karanie. It was an ordinary dog whose fur was dyed green.
“Oh, nothing, we’re just stalking your cousin,” said Chelsea airily, unfazed. “Have you seen him?”
“Yes, he’s standing on his head,” said Tor. “Practicing for gymnastics or something, I don’t know.”
“What’s with the dog?” I asked.
“Oh, this is Neenee.” Tor beamed. “Say hello to the nice girls, Neenee!” Then he made the dog wave at us with one paw. The dog sneezed.
“He’s wacko,” I muttered. “Well, anyway… bye, Tor. See you around.”
We kept looking for Ikuy standing on his head, but couldn’t find him and went back inside as the bell rang. I sighed. This was a very big pain. My next class was Japanese, taught by Ms. Leet. She was a very cool teacher and we were pretty sure she was Cheese, but still, I hardly understood a word she said.
Chapter 1
We’d had a lot of company at our house, but I never had seen anyone eat cheese. It took me quite a while to figure this out, but after some time it was obvious. Our family could never get enough of the stuff. It seemed like Mom was bringing home a few more wheels of cheese every time she went on one of her weekly shopping trips. When I was eight years old, though, the secret came out; or at least part of it did. My best friend Chelsea was staying at our house overnight. The two of us were quite hungry, and after a while Chelsea asked the fateful question. “Mrs. McNarre, may I have some cheese, please?” she asked happily. Mom jumped a little and forced out the words, “No, I’m afraid we don’t have any cheese. None at all. We never buy cheese.” I’d never seen Mom look like that, and the thing was that Chelsea knew it wasn’t true. I ate cheese with her all the time; and so it was then that we decided to unravel the great cheese mystery of the McNarre family.
However, we didn’t unravel anything for years to come. Though I kept eating cheese – we loved the stuff – we never were able to figure out why Mom refused to feed it to anybody. Even family members were not exempt from this law, as we discovered when we bribed Cousin George to ask for some. His mother, Aunt Alexandra, frowned. “I don’t think you should have any cheese just now,” she said cautiously, but of course George went ahead and asked anyway. He never pays any attention to what Aunt Alexandra says, anyway. Nobody does – it’s well known that she is quite crazy. But maybe this time we should have listened. Just that once could have made all the difference.
In fact, we never found out anything substantial until we were fourteen and just entering high school. We still ate cheese, and we still talked about the mystery all the time – the Cheesy Enigma, we called it – but we just weren’t getting anywhere. We’d sort of forgotten about it over the summer, in the excitement composed of shorts, trips to the beach, and the large and incredibly smelly garbage truck that crashed very near our house. I still remember the way we would go over and look for extra banana peels. Good times.
But then the mystery resurfaced again in the form of our science teacher: Mrs. Kaka. She had a strange name, all right. That wasn’t the only strange thing about her. Right away, we noticed there was something strange about this lady.
The very first day we arrived, she glared at us all and said, “Drumsticks.” Everyone stared. “Yes. Drumsticks,” she continued. “That will be on your test.”
And it was. Question #36, multiple choice. “A. Peanut butter. B. Drumsticks. C. Trombones. D. The sky.” Next to me, Chelsea sort of started twitching, fell over, and passed out. It was the trombones. Nobody knew why Chelsea was so scared of them, but she was.
Right after the “drumsticks” comment, she added, “And anyone seen without cheese will fail. You must bring cheese.” Of course, that resurfaced all the old speculation in Chelsea and me, and again we resolved then and there to figure out the Cheesy Enigma.
It was a month later, and Chelsea and I were sitting together in Mrs. Kaka’s class feeling quite bored and wishing she’d mention cheese again. We were quite happy when, just before the bell rang, she added “Cheese!” sort of as an afterthought. She didn’t elaborate, though, and both of us were a little too freaked out by her to go up and ask, “What’s up with the cheese?”
After biology was my English class. Chelsea unhappily went off to choir. She’d tried band, but had ended up sitting in front of the trombones and had fainted when a slide had suddenly extended right next to her head. She had landed on a clarinet, and needless to say some people weren’t happy with her for that.
But rather than fainting at trombones, I was sitting through one of Mr. Soemah’s incredibly long-winded lectures. It was something about cats and pigs falling in love and being attacked by angry high school girls, but I wasn’t really listening. I was doodling a picture of cheese on my worksheet. I really did love cheese. It was, in fact, my favorite food.
“Miss McNarre!” he said sharply, and I jerked my head up, startled. “Tell me, what is the ratio of cats to pigs if the high school girls are eating bananas?”
“You’re not the math teacher,” I said, confused. “But the answer is cheese.”
He was quite pleased with me and gave me a banana. I don’t really like bananas, but I thanked him anyway. Then he saw my doodle and froze. “Miss McNarre!” he cried even more sharply than before. “You know that cheese-drawing is against school rules! Go to the principal’s office!”
“B-b-b-b-but Mr. Soemah!” I stammered. Maybe the stammering was a little overdone, in afterthought. “I never heard that! Remember how Student Council told us all the rules? I’ve remembered them all. And besides, Mrs. Kaka makes us draw cheese as an assignment. Every week, to be handed in before she eats her daily marker.”
Momentarily nonplussed, Mr. Soemah stared. “She… eats markers?” I nodded, and he shook his head. “Things are going to the dogs around here,” he added disgustedly. “I liked it better when she was doing pencils.” He noticed I was still sitting there. “Well? Go to the office!”
I went to the principal’s office feeling most disgruntled about the injustice of it all. When I reached her, she was clicking furiously at her GameBoy. She was rarely seen without it. “YES! Level up!” she cried, and then blinked as she saw me. “Ah, um, can I help you?”
“Mr. Soemah sent me here,” I said disgustedly. “All I did was this.” I showed her my cheese picture unhappily. She gasped in horror.
“Cheese,” she breathed. “This is a most serious offense, you know. To Mr. Soehma, anyway. Miss Karyote doesn’t really care, and neither do the Kakas… but some teachers just can’t stand it.” She stared at me, and I stared at the name plate on her desk. “Ms. Tooth.” Her father had been a dentist and had changed his name, and Miss Tooth wanted to keep it that way in honor of his memory. It was even rumored that her first name was “Molar.”
“You’re Ana McNarre, correct?” I nodded, and she frowned. “I thought so. Well, let me tell you this. You’re on shaky ground just being a McNarre. Look what happened to your brother.” I gasped. My brother had been expelled and had vanished shortly after. Everyone said it was a freak accident involving flying potatoes, not his fault in the least. “Listen. Cheese is a dangerous subject in this school. You know why it’s called Celery High, don’t you?” I shook my head. “It used to be called Celery-Cheese High. But as everyone knows, celery doesn’t go with cheese at all. The teachers were divided. Celery or cheese? The celery won, but… the cheese people have still survived.” Miss Tooth dropped her voice to a whisper. “They still linger here. Your mother was one of us once, but she has been so twisted by the Celery Side that now she can be neither cheese nor celery, forever suspended in a state of pumpkin. It is a terrible fate, and I would hate to have it happen to you! You can be quite important to us, Ana. Now… I’ll let you off without punishing you. You know that I am on your side, but the others mustn’t find out! The fate of our school rests in your hands, Miss McNarre. You are…” She paused for dramatic effect, her voice barely a whisper. “The cream cheese lump!”
I stared. “You have got to be kidding.”
“Oh, no!” said Miss Tooth. “The Cream Cheese Lump. It is an ancient Cheese prophecy. ‘When celery controls and all is lost, the Cream Cheese Lump will come to save the day!’ You must fulfill your destiny, Miss McNarre! Save us all!”
Then she smiled, waved me off to my next class (it was math) and went back to playing her video game. After school, I told all of this to Chelsea. She screamed.
“Noooo! I don’t want to be pumpkinized! WHAT DO WE DOOOOO, ANA?!”
“Um… panic?”
“Sounds good. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!”
After running around screaming for a few minutes, we felt better and went inside to have some cheese. “So you are the Cream Cheese Lump in the prophecy?” said Chelsea. “Wow. Cool. Mozzarella or cheddar?”
“Mm, cheddar. Thanks. And yes, or at least Miss Tooth thinks so.” At the sound of our principal’s name, Chelsea snorted into her milk and had to be pounded on the back.
“Sorry,” she spluttered. “So, what do we do? I think we should follow Mr. Soemah everywhere he goes.”
“Agreed!” We did our secret handshake which had been invented six years previously, when we formed the Cheesy Enigma Alliance, and walked off trying to look mysterious, thinking about this new development. At least I thought we were. I was proven wrong when, several steps into looking mysterious, Chelsea abruptly screamed and passed out. Ah. Not cheese, then. Trombones. I sighed and dragged her inside. Being the Cream Cheese Lump could be awfully tiring, sometimes…
Chapter 2
The next morning, I woke up to find a cat staring at me.
The cat smiled and said, “Good morning.”
I fainted.
When I came to, the cat was still sitting on me. “Really, I was expecting the Cream Cheese Lump to be a bit braver,” he said. “I wish you weren’t a McNarre, though. McNarres always give me headaches. Well, I am Taratarakowineineeeela. Cheese cat guide, at your service!” He winked, and I felt a bit uncomfortable. Cats winking? Really. Whatever next?
“Um, well, Mr. Tarakoraneelakowa…” I trailed off and the cat frowned. It made me twitch a little.
“Taratarakowineineeeela,” he said disparagingly. “But you may call me Teela. My duty is to guide you through your duty in the Cheese Prophecy. Oh, great Cream Cheese Lump!” This time he bowed.
“Teela, are you sure you’re… a cat?” I said, dazed.
“Of course I’m a cat! What did you expect, a lawn mower?” He looked at me like he thought I would explode. “My job is to guide you throughout your…”
“You already said that.”
“I did?” Teela sighed. “I always get that wrong. Probably why the last Cream Cheese Lumpy got pumpkinized.”
“What?” I gasped. “Got… got pumpkinized? But I thought I was the only Cream Cheese Lump there is…”
“No, no. He was a Cream Cheese Lumpy. Someone whose job it is to find the Cream Cheese Lump. I think that Molar Tooth is the current one, and she found you! She shouldn’t get a swelled head, though. She won’t be able to fit through doors and goodness knows that could be a problem. Well? You’ll have to take me to school today. I want to meet the current generation of Cheeses and Celeries. Come on!”
My mom and dad waved goodbye. My little brother just said “CRAYON!” I think that was a compliment, but I’m not sure. Nobody seemed to care about Taratarakowineineeeela’s presence, but it was only when I arrived at school that I noticed it.
He was purple.
I’m not just talking “sort-of-purple-but-really-more-like-brown.” No. Teela was indeed a bright, vibrant purple. I groaned. “I don’t think they allow cats at school, Teela. And a purple one won’t be exempt.”
“Oh, no, you’re the only person who can see me,” he said happily. “I think you have the power to permit others to see me, but… I have no idea how that’s done, so you’ll have to figure it out on your own.”
Great. Now I was weird AND crazy. By the time this was over with, people were going to think I was stranger than Mrs. Kaka. Talking to an invisible purple cat? Sheesh!
I hurried to find Chelsea. “You’ve got to hear this!” I whispered. I proceeded to tell her all about how I met Teela, not bothering to pronounce his full name.
“It’s Taratarakowineineeeela,” the cat muttered.
“Oh, sorry,” I said, and repeated the name as best I could. “See? I can see him and hear him, but you can’t! I wish I could figure out how to make you see him too.”
“You say he’s purple?” questioned Chelsea. “That’s so cool! I want to see him! Where is he?”
“Right there,” I said, pointing, but Chelsea couldn’t feel him any more than she could see him.
“Try this,” said Chelsea. “Just shout ‘YOU CAN SEE TEELA NOW!’ I bet it’ll work. I’ll do it with you.”
“You have to use my full name,” warned Teela. “It’s Taratarakowineineeeela, in case you’ve forgotten.”
“Okay.” The three of us took a deep breath (Teela was shouting too, although nobody could hear him) and hollered, “YOU CAN SEE TARATARAKOWINEINEEEELA NOW!”
Everyone stared at us. Then a bunch of people screamed and pointed at the cat by my feet. “Purple cat! Everyone run!”
Mr. Soemah ran over. “There’s a purple cat?” he cried. “Where? Where is it?”
“Oh, no!” I whispered. “He’s a celery! He’ll try to catch us and – and pumpkinize us! Or worse… turn us into mindless celery slaves!”
“Teela, run!” I gasped, and then stood up. “Oh NO! It’s like, a GREEN DOG!”
Mr. Soemah turned around, looking excited, and Teela streaked off in the other direction. Pandemonium ensued. Everyone started screaming. “The purple cat! There it goes! Catch it, somebody!”
“No! Green dog!” Chelsea and I shouted. We ran around, telling all our friends, “Shout about a green dog!” Confused, they obeyed.
“We have to save Teela!” I cried. “What will Mr. Soemah do if he catches him?” We ran around and around, yelling, “GREEN DOG! LOOK! THERE IT GOES!”
“I think I know how you can stop this,” said Chelsea, suddenly. “Just shout something about how only we can see Teela!”
“But what’s his name?” I gasped. “Taratarakowineineeeela? That can’t be it!”
“That is it, actually,” said Chelsea, and so we shouted again. “HEY, WE WERE JUST KIDDING! ONLY CHELSEA AND ANA CAN SEE TARATARAKOWINEINEEEELA!”
“Well done,” said a voice. Teela trotted up behind us. “But how did you know to distract the Celeries by shouting about Karaniealkinaaaap?”
“Who?” I said.
“Er, Karanie. The green dog who guides the Promised One of the Celeries: the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath!”
“You have got to be kidding.”
“Well, his friends call him Wrathy.”
I rolled my eyes. “Chelsea, can you see him?”
“Yeah! He’s so cute! Can I cuddle you?” Without waiting for an answer, she picked him up and started snuggling. “Awwwww. Such an adooorable wittle kitty-poo!” She fondled his ears.
Teela smiled, purring, and then shook himself. “I mean… hiss! Rawr! You don’t do that to a purple cat cheese guide, you know. Do that to Karanie if you ever meet her. Ugh. I can’t stand her.”
“Okies, I’ll do that!” She dropped him, and I looked at her.
“Chelsea, we’re late to class.”
“Oh, everyone is. Thanks, Teela. We should do that again sometime!”
“I’ll try not to,” muttered Teela, washing himself. “Ahem. I shall follow Ana McNarre, the Cream Cheese Lump. I hope I will not have to cross paths with you again today.” Tail erect, he stalked off.
“Um, Teela? Class is the other way,” I said.
That afternoon, Chelsea was over at my house. She was petting Teela, who although he was trying to look indignant was really enjoying it quite a lot. “Now, I should warn you,” said Teela. “There are two people who can naturally see me. The Cream Cheese Lump, and um… Wrathy. That is, the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath. So if someone goes ‘OH WOW, PURPLE CAT!’ – well, that’d be him. Or her.”
“OH WOW! PURPLE CAT!” cried Chelsea, pointing at Teela.
“Ana, quick! Run! She’s here!” Teela yowled, jumping up.
“No, I was just kidding.” Chelsea smiled.
“Oh, well, that’s all right then.”
The three of us decided to go to the swimming pool. It was an indoor pool owned by my uncle, and although Teela (being a cat) hated water, we decided it was a good idea. So we bicycled there, Teela sitting on my head, and finally arrived. We were having a good time swimming when suddenly Teela hissed.
“What is it, Teela? Did I splash you by accident?” I said with concern.
“No! She’s here! Karanie’s here!”
We gasped, turned around, and saw – or at least Teela and me saw – a green dog staring at us with disdain. “Karaniealkinaaaap!” I cried.
“I don’t see anything,” said Chelsea with a frown.
“Oh, um. CHELSEA! YOU CAN NOW SEE KARANIEALKINAAAAP!” I said loudly, waving my arms.
“Won’t work,” said Karanie coolly. “Only the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath can do that. So for now, only you and Taratara can see me.”
“That’s Taratarakowineineeeela to you, Kaaap,” hissed Teela.
Karanie bristled. “And that’s Karaniealkinaaaap to you.”
“Enough!” I said. “Karanie, you’re looking for, erm, Wrathy, aren’t you?”
“That’s right,” said Karanie. She almost purred. “And I’ve found him. Better than I could have wished for. He’s a Soemah. A very old and distinguished Celery family, I must say.”
We all gasped. “Mr. Soemah is the Wrathy?!” Chelsea cried.
“Mr. Soemah?” She frowned. Almost as strange a sight on a dog as it was on a cat. “I presume you mean Akyytu. But no, he is not the Wrathy. His nephew is… I think his name is Ikuy or something strange like that. The Soemahs have always been odd. But wonderful, of course! Very wonderful!”
“Ikuy? I think I know him,” said Chelsea after I had relayed all of this to her. “He’s a sophomore, isn’t he?”
“That’s right.” Karanie nodded. “And he’s so smart!” What followed this was a five-minute long recitation of Ikuy Soemah’s values. “—And he’s just the greatest Wrathy ever!” Karanie finished breathlessly with a slight squeal. We all stared at her.
“Uh, right,” I said. “Let’s go, guys.”
“What was that?” whispered Chelsea to me as we left.
“Nothing important. Just another Ikuy Soemah fangirl. Who just happens to have green fur and four legs.”
Chelsea giggled very hard. All of a sudden she gasped. “OH NO!” she shouted. Moments later she passed out. It was lucky that we had arrived at my house by then.
I shook my head. Trombones, again. Some things never change.
The next day, we decided to follow Ikuy. This was a bad idea. We kept getting run over by the other students, and yelled at by teachers when we intruded into his classes. After a while, though, we got smarter. Sort of.
“Hello, I have a message for Ikuy Soemah,” said Chelsea in a deep voice. “He needs to come down to the office.”
Did I mention that she was intruding on band?
And that Ikuy Soemah plays the trombone?
Ikuy rose from his seat and lifted his trombone, and Chelsea screamed and passed out. I sighed, looking over at Teela. He was standing behind her so that Ikuy wouldn’t see him. Teela accompanied me to all my classes except for the one I had with Ikuy, which was just band. The cat sighed and began licking Chelsea’s face. She giggled. Of course, to the rest of the room except perhaps Ikuy, it looked like she was giggling and swatting the air in front of her face for absolutely no reason. No wonder people thought Chelsea was an idiot.
Then our band director, Mr. Kaka, got paged by the math teacher. “Is Chelsea Nairi in there?” said Ms. Karyote, sounding exasperated.
“Why, yes, that IS Chelsea,” he said, sounding surprised. “She’s just passed out.”
“I thought so. Well, thank you.” A few minutes later, the nurse came looking rather annoyed and collected Chelsea from the ground.
So that was attempt number one.
Then we tried something else. At lunch time, we noticed that he kept going outside, so we snuck after him. “Mrs. Kaka,” I whispered. “We need to go outside, okay?”
She nodded absently and stuck a post-it note to my nose. I was used to that, though, so it was okay. Outside, we saw Ikuy Soemah… petting a green dog!
“AHAH!” I shouted. “We’ve found you! You evil thing, petting a green dog! You… are the Evil Evil Doom and Destruction Celery Stick of Wrath!”
He turned around, and I about died. It wasn’t Ikuy! It was his cousin Tor. “What are you talking about?” said Tor, and then I saw that the dog wasn’t Karanie. It was an ordinary dog whose fur was dyed green.
“Oh, nothing, we’re just stalking your cousin,” said Chelsea airily, unfazed. “Have you seen him?”
“Yes, he’s standing on his head,” said Tor. “Practicing for gymnastics or something, I don’t know.”
“What’s with the dog?” I asked.
“Oh, this is Neenee.” Tor beamed. “Say hello to the nice girls, Neenee!” Then he made the dog wave at us with one paw. The dog sneezed.
“He’s wacko,” I muttered. “Well, anyway… bye, Tor. See you around.”
We kept looking for Ikuy standing on his head, but couldn’t find him and went back inside as the bell rang. I sighed. This was a very big pain. My next class was Japanese, taught by Ms. Leet. She was a very cool teacher and we were pretty sure she was Cheese, but still, I hardly understood a word she said.
