Post by Xicrog on Aug 1, 2007 14:01:25 GMT -5
...Yeah. This is a slightly insane story I wrote based on my Tales fanstorything, Tales of the Trinity. It's based off the Spanish Inquisition sketches from Monty Python and the Flying Circus. This has absolutely no basis in the story and no relation to continutity. So you don't need any prior knowledge of the story to be amused by this (though there are some inside joke type things within). Points to those who can spot the Monty Python references within.
And without further ado....
It was a dark and stormy night…well, not really. It was actually very clear and brisk outside. This made it perfect weather for thievery, which was exactly what Janus Bolton and Emily Baskerville were doing.
“Remind me why I’m doing this again?” Janus asked in a long-suffering tone of voice.
“Because if we break into here and steal a Relic, we’ll be famous.” Emily replied serenely.
“Yeah, I got that part. What I meant is why’re we hanging upside down trying to crack this safe.”
“So we can get the real Founder Nadege’s sleeve instead of just stripping whole fields of the flowers.”
“I know that too! What I was asking is why didn’t we just teleport in here, grab the safe, blow it up, and then run out with the sleeve.”
Emily considered this question for a moment, but only a moment.
“That wouldn’t be dramatic enough. Honestly, Janus, you’re asking too many questions. I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.”
The second those words left her lips, the doors burst open, a dramatic and dissonant orchestra chord sounded, and three people wearing the robes of the Lumerian clergy and carrying torches and pitchforks charged through the doors, tripping several alarms on their way in.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!” one of the priests crowed.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! I thought you people were disbanded years ago! And since when have you had an orchestra with you?” Emily demanded, gesturing wildly at the group of musicians behind her. “That was never in the history books!”
“That’s none of your business.” The head priest said dismissively. “Anyway! Our chief weapon is fear, fear and surprise…oh, wait…um…our two chief weapons are fear and surprise and a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits…argh! Okay, then our three chief weapons are…”
“I guess it goes without saying we’re busted.” Janus sighed.
“Plan B then?” Emily said with a mischievous grin.
“Oh, now you’re talking. On three then?”
“Okay…one…two…three!"
“…fear, surprise, a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits, and very nice hats! Oh, Origin darn it! You two, stay there for a few seconds while we attempt the dramatic entry again.”
The priest turned to where the thieving teenagers had been, but they had simply disappeared into thin air along with the safe. There was the sound of an explosion in the distance, followed by hysterical laughter.
Meanwhile, in Klaimor, Isaac Baskerville was consulting with a customer over the telephone.
“Yes, sir, I can assure you that winterrose hips have no ill effects, assuming you boil them in water first. No, they will not cause your extremities to shrivel up and fall off, that’s a nasty and untrue rumor. No, not even that extremity. Honestly,” he said, rubbing his temples, “I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
“Oh dear. Could I call you back? I seem to have some visitors. Yes, just drink it with tonic water three times a day; that should help with the gout. Goodbye.”
Isaac turned to the door, where a group of priests and an orchestra were attempting to cram themselves into his tiny shop.
“Ah, could you not bring those torches in my apothecary? There are some highly combustible materials in here, and I’d really hate for all of us to die in a fire.”
The high priest looked positively affronted by this.
“But I haven’t even gotten to the part about our chief weapons yet, I’ve been working on that!”
“Oh, fine. You can go back out; we’ll start over again without the torches from ‘I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.’ Just don’t bring in the orchestra either, I doubt they’ll fit.”
“Very well then.” The priest replied as he backed out the door and snuffed his torch outside.
Isaac picked up the phone once more.
“I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.” He deadpanned.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION! Amongst our diverse weaponry are fear, surprise, a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits, and very nice hats! Did I forget anything, Acolyte Ashling?”
“Um…you didn’t mention financial support straight from the king himself and torture techniques, sir.”
“Forget it, then! We’ve been wasting far too much time reciting that speech. Isaac Baskerville, you have been accused of heresy and supporting the Dark Lord. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“Um…” Acolyte Ashling said tentatively. “I don’t think Mister Baskerville can really speak for himself. He’s not here anymore.”
Surely enough, the crippled apothecary had already limped off into the night. The head priest threw his very nice hat to the ground in frustration.
Back in Lumeria, David Lee-Howell was, much to his annoyance, being interrogated by a Lumerian police officer.
“So,” the officer sneered, “you claim that your entire platoon and a small town were slaughtered by just one Chimera with you as the only survivor?”
“I don’t claim it happened,” he said tersely, “I know it happened. Just look at me if you need proof.”
“Yes, I know, advanced Stigmata Toxicosis, a miracle you survived, blah blah blah. A single Chimera still couldn’t do that to a hundred people and Lumeria’s finest men.”
“It wasn’t just a Chimera, it was Verius! Didn’t I tell you that already?”
“Nonsense! Verius would not attack his followers unless they did something horribly wrong. And in that case, it was not your place to interfere with the spirit’s will!”
David made a valiant attempt to lunge at the officer, stopped only by the fact he was chained to his chair.
“My sister was in that town, you scum!”
“Furthermore, you should have reported the losses to your superior officers instead of simply running off, deserting your country! And to make matters worse, you killed one of the summon spirits!”
“Kill him? Oh, I wish I did.” David whispered to himself.
“What was that?”
“I said; the level of ignorance and mindless zealotry you exhibit would be more fitting of the Lumerian Inquisition. And I wasn’t expecting them.”
“Wh- no, no, what do you think you’re doing? DON’T MENTION THAT N-”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The officer glared at David with utter hatred.
“You did that on purpose.”
“Amongst our diverse weaponry are- oh, I said I wouldn’t do that anymore…bugger…”
“I sincerely don’t know what you’re talking about.” The deserter said innocently.
“I refuse to deal with this.” The officer snarled, and marched out the door. With the policeman’s exit, David turned towards the inquisitors and gave his most winning smile.
“Ah, priests. So good to see you. It seems you’ve arrived at just the right time. You see, the contemptible fellow who just stormed out the door has wrongfully detained a law-abiding Lumerian, and an officer of the army nonetheless!”
The priests looked at him with some confusion.
“…That would be me, in case you were wondering. First-Class Sergeant David Lee-Howell, of the noble Lee-Howell family.”
The priests smiled and nodded.
“And as you can plainly see, I am very ill from Stigmata poisoning. A Chimera attacked my platoon, and though we managed to kill the beast, I very nearly died from the poison. I got better, obviously, but then that oaf arrested me, as he seems to be under the impression that a deadly illness is not an excuse to take a temporary lead of absence from the army. Surely you understand my plight! I will certainly go back to my post, now that I have had a chance to recover.”
“Yes, of course!” The head priest said, dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief as he unlocked the chains binding David to the chair. “You know, I can’t stand people like that, arresting good citizens with flimsy evidence. They give inquisitors a bad name, you know. Well, it goes without saying you’re free to go, sir.”
“Why, thank you. I’ll be sure to tell my family of this, they’ll be happy to know that all those horrible things one hears about the Lumerian Inquisition-”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The group of priests coughed nervously at their own outburst.
“Sorry, force of habit. Carry on.”
“…Um…are entirely untrue. Goodbye.”
And with that, David waded through the string section in an effort to get out of the dungeon.
“Goodbye to you as well.” The high priest said brightly.
“He seemed like a nice young man.” Ashling said in her usual subdued tone.
“Suckers.” David cackled once he was well out of earshot.
In Kazimyr, Saiah Creed and her adoptive family were doing their usual day job of exorcisms.
“I think we’ve got real ghosts this time, kids. Definitely the work of poltergeists.” Saiah stated matter-of-factly.
“Really.” Kyrel said with an edge of annoyance, dodging a chair that was flying at him. “And just what gave you that idea?”
“Oh, the furniture that’s trying to kill us all is certainly a good indicator.” She replied with a disturbingly calm tone of voice, seeming oblivious to the plight of the youngest of their group. Lucas was desperately attempting to set up the materials for the exorcism.
“Can you two quit bantering for a second and help me? I need Founder Kalib’s Cross, a sprig of fenwort, and some holy water.”
“You know, we’re not faring so well over here either.” Kyrel snapped as a coffee table charged at him, missing him narrowly. “By the way, we’re going to have some visitors in about twenty-seven seconds. There are three of them, they’re carrying torches and probably pitchforks, and it sounds like there’s an orchestra following them playing dramatic music.”
“Oh, it sounds like we should be expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition then.” Saiah mused.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The tempest of living room furniture stopped whirling around, turning to stare at the intruders in confusion- or at least that’s what they would have done if they had faces.
“Oh, speak of the devil!” Saiah said brightly. “I was right again!”
“But we were expecting you!” Kyrel protested. “I heard you and your orchestra coming a mile away!”
His siblings looked at him incredulously.
“Okay, maybe just five hundred feet away. But the orchestra was a dead giveaway.”
“If I may say so, sir,” The unnamed underling priest said. “I did say we should ditch the orchestra.”
“No you didn’t.” The head priest hissed. “You don’t talk.”
“…” Said the underling.
“Anyway! Saiah Creed, alias the Mad Prelate, Kyrel Creed, and Lucas Blanche, you have been accused of he-OUCH!”
A cabinet drawer pegged the high priest on the head.
“Oh, forget it! We’re never going to arrest anyone this way! Inquisitors, retreat!”
The priests bolted out the door, followed by the vicious sentient living room furniture.
“Well…” Lucas said helpfully, gathering what materials he had taken out. “We did get the ghosts out; even if it wasn’t quite in the manner we intended to do. Think they’ll pay us for that?”
“Too bad all the money we made is probably going to getting them new furniture.” Kyrel replied morosely.
“Kyrel,” Saiah said with a sigh, “when we get back to Anateshka remind me to propose a bill banning anyone from saying…you-know-what.”
“You-know…oh. That. Probably a good idea.”
Lucas looked at his adoptive family in confusion.
“What are you talking about? What’s you-know-what?”
Kyrel fidgeted anxiously and looked towards the general direction where the inquisitors had run off.
“Oh, come on Lucas. You know…the people from the south who were supposed to be disbanded fifty-odd years ago and have a nasty reputation for arresting people on flimsy evidence and exacting horrible tortures on them for the rest of their miserable days until they convert to Lumerian Orthodoxy.”
“Oh, you mean the Lumerian Inquisition!”
In return for his discovery, Lucas received an utterly withering glance from his brother and a dejected sigh from his sister. It was at that moment he realized his mistake.
“Oops.”
About sixty feet away from the haunted house, the Lumerian Inquisition, still being violently attacked by evil furniture, were making an ill-fated charge back to the three siblings.
“Hurry up! We’re almost out of word space!” The high priest gasped as a chair swung at his leg.
“I’m trying, sir, but this lamp is making things difficult!” Acolyte Ashling said.
“On the bright side,” Saiah observed, “they seem to be later than usual. We probably should get out of here before they find us again.”
There was no one left to heed her advice- her brothers had already retreated to an advantageous position, which was to say as far away as they could possibly be at the moment.
“No one really listens to my advice anymore.” She said sadly as she meandered her way out of the house.
The End
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE- oh, bugger!”
And without further ado....
Nobody Expects the Lumerian Inquisition!
It was a dark and stormy night…well, not really. It was actually very clear and brisk outside. This made it perfect weather for thievery, which was exactly what Janus Bolton and Emily Baskerville were doing.
“Remind me why I’m doing this again?” Janus asked in a long-suffering tone of voice.
“Because if we break into here and steal a Relic, we’ll be famous.” Emily replied serenely.
“Yeah, I got that part. What I meant is why’re we hanging upside down trying to crack this safe.”
“So we can get the real Founder Nadege’s sleeve instead of just stripping whole fields of the flowers.”
“I know that too! What I was asking is why didn’t we just teleport in here, grab the safe, blow it up, and then run out with the sleeve.”
Emily considered this question for a moment, but only a moment.
“That wouldn’t be dramatic enough. Honestly, Janus, you’re asking too many questions. I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.”
The second those words left her lips, the doors burst open, a dramatic and dissonant orchestra chord sounded, and three people wearing the robes of the Lumerian clergy and carrying torches and pitchforks charged through the doors, tripping several alarms on their way in.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!” one of the priests crowed.
“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me! I thought you people were disbanded years ago! And since when have you had an orchestra with you?” Emily demanded, gesturing wildly at the group of musicians behind her. “That was never in the history books!”
“That’s none of your business.” The head priest said dismissively. “Anyway! Our chief weapon is fear, fear and surprise…oh, wait…um…our two chief weapons are fear and surprise and a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits…argh! Okay, then our three chief weapons are…”
“I guess it goes without saying we’re busted.” Janus sighed.
“Plan B then?” Emily said with a mischievous grin.
“Oh, now you’re talking. On three then?”
“Okay…one…two…three!"
“…fear, surprise, a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits, and very nice hats! Oh, Origin darn it! You two, stay there for a few seconds while we attempt the dramatic entry again.”
The priest turned to where the thieving teenagers had been, but they had simply disappeared into thin air along with the safe. There was the sound of an explosion in the distance, followed by hysterical laughter.
Meanwhile, in Klaimor, Isaac Baskerville was consulting with a customer over the telephone.
“Yes, sir, I can assure you that winterrose hips have no ill effects, assuming you boil them in water first. No, they will not cause your extremities to shrivel up and fall off, that’s a nasty and untrue rumor. No, not even that extremity. Honestly,” he said, rubbing his temples, “I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
“Oh dear. Could I call you back? I seem to have some visitors. Yes, just drink it with tonic water three times a day; that should help with the gout. Goodbye.”
Isaac turned to the door, where a group of priests and an orchestra were attempting to cram themselves into his tiny shop.
“Ah, could you not bring those torches in my apothecary? There are some highly combustible materials in here, and I’d really hate for all of us to die in a fire.”
The high priest looked positively affronted by this.
“But I haven’t even gotten to the part about our chief weapons yet, I’ve been working on that!”
“Oh, fine. You can go back out; we’ll start over again without the torches from ‘I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.’ Just don’t bring in the orchestra either, I doubt they’ll fit.”
“Very well then.” The priest replied as he backed out the door and snuffed his torch outside.
Isaac picked up the phone once more.
“I wasn’t expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition.” He deadpanned.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION! Amongst our diverse weaponry are fear, surprise, a fanatical devotion to the summon spirits, and very nice hats! Did I forget anything, Acolyte Ashling?”
“Um…you didn’t mention financial support straight from the king himself and torture techniques, sir.”
“Forget it, then! We’ve been wasting far too much time reciting that speech. Isaac Baskerville, you have been accused of heresy and supporting the Dark Lord. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“Um…” Acolyte Ashling said tentatively. “I don’t think Mister Baskerville can really speak for himself. He’s not here anymore.”
Surely enough, the crippled apothecary had already limped off into the night. The head priest threw his very nice hat to the ground in frustration.
Back in Lumeria, David Lee-Howell was, much to his annoyance, being interrogated by a Lumerian police officer.
“So,” the officer sneered, “you claim that your entire platoon and a small town were slaughtered by just one Chimera with you as the only survivor?”
“I don’t claim it happened,” he said tersely, “I know it happened. Just look at me if you need proof.”
“Yes, I know, advanced Stigmata Toxicosis, a miracle you survived, blah blah blah. A single Chimera still couldn’t do that to a hundred people and Lumeria’s finest men.”
“It wasn’t just a Chimera, it was Verius! Didn’t I tell you that already?”
“Nonsense! Verius would not attack his followers unless they did something horribly wrong. And in that case, it was not your place to interfere with the spirit’s will!”
David made a valiant attempt to lunge at the officer, stopped only by the fact he was chained to his chair.
“My sister was in that town, you scum!”
“Furthermore, you should have reported the losses to your superior officers instead of simply running off, deserting your country! And to make matters worse, you killed one of the summon spirits!”
“Kill him? Oh, I wish I did.” David whispered to himself.
“What was that?”
“I said; the level of ignorance and mindless zealotry you exhibit would be more fitting of the Lumerian Inquisition. And I wasn’t expecting them.”
“Wh- no, no, what do you think you’re doing? DON’T MENTION THAT N-”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The officer glared at David with utter hatred.
“You did that on purpose.”
“Amongst our diverse weaponry are- oh, I said I wouldn’t do that anymore…bugger…”
“I sincerely don’t know what you’re talking about.” The deserter said innocently.
“I refuse to deal with this.” The officer snarled, and marched out the door. With the policeman’s exit, David turned towards the inquisitors and gave his most winning smile.
“Ah, priests. So good to see you. It seems you’ve arrived at just the right time. You see, the contemptible fellow who just stormed out the door has wrongfully detained a law-abiding Lumerian, and an officer of the army nonetheless!”
The priests looked at him with some confusion.
“…That would be me, in case you were wondering. First-Class Sergeant David Lee-Howell, of the noble Lee-Howell family.”
The priests smiled and nodded.
“And as you can plainly see, I am very ill from Stigmata poisoning. A Chimera attacked my platoon, and though we managed to kill the beast, I very nearly died from the poison. I got better, obviously, but then that oaf arrested me, as he seems to be under the impression that a deadly illness is not an excuse to take a temporary lead of absence from the army. Surely you understand my plight! I will certainly go back to my post, now that I have had a chance to recover.”
“Yes, of course!” The head priest said, dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief as he unlocked the chains binding David to the chair. “You know, I can’t stand people like that, arresting good citizens with flimsy evidence. They give inquisitors a bad name, you know. Well, it goes without saying you’re free to go, sir.”
“Why, thank you. I’ll be sure to tell my family of this, they’ll be happy to know that all those horrible things one hears about the Lumerian Inquisition-”
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The group of priests coughed nervously at their own outburst.
“Sorry, force of habit. Carry on.”
“…Um…are entirely untrue. Goodbye.”
And with that, David waded through the string section in an effort to get out of the dungeon.
“Goodbye to you as well.” The high priest said brightly.
“He seemed like a nice young man.” Ashling said in her usual subdued tone.
“Suckers.” David cackled once he was well out of earshot.
In Kazimyr, Saiah Creed and her adoptive family were doing their usual day job of exorcisms.
“I think we’ve got real ghosts this time, kids. Definitely the work of poltergeists.” Saiah stated matter-of-factly.
“Really.” Kyrel said with an edge of annoyance, dodging a chair that was flying at him. “And just what gave you that idea?”
“Oh, the furniture that’s trying to kill us all is certainly a good indicator.” She replied with a disturbingly calm tone of voice, seeming oblivious to the plight of the youngest of their group. Lucas was desperately attempting to set up the materials for the exorcism.
“Can you two quit bantering for a second and help me? I need Founder Kalib’s Cross, a sprig of fenwort, and some holy water.”
“You know, we’re not faring so well over here either.” Kyrel snapped as a coffee table charged at him, missing him narrowly. “By the way, we’re going to have some visitors in about twenty-seven seconds. There are three of them, they’re carrying torches and probably pitchforks, and it sounds like there’s an orchestra following them playing dramatic music.”
“Oh, it sounds like we should be expecting a sort of Lumerian Inquisition then.” Saiah mused.
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE LUMERIAN INQUISITION!”
The tempest of living room furniture stopped whirling around, turning to stare at the intruders in confusion- or at least that’s what they would have done if they had faces.
“Oh, speak of the devil!” Saiah said brightly. “I was right again!”
“But we were expecting you!” Kyrel protested. “I heard you and your orchestra coming a mile away!”
His siblings looked at him incredulously.
“Okay, maybe just five hundred feet away. But the orchestra was a dead giveaway.”
“If I may say so, sir,” The unnamed underling priest said. “I did say we should ditch the orchestra.”
“No you didn’t.” The head priest hissed. “You don’t talk.”
“…” Said the underling.
“Anyway! Saiah Creed, alias the Mad Prelate, Kyrel Creed, and Lucas Blanche, you have been accused of he-OUCH!”
A cabinet drawer pegged the high priest on the head.
“Oh, forget it! We’re never going to arrest anyone this way! Inquisitors, retreat!”
The priests bolted out the door, followed by the vicious sentient living room furniture.
“Well…” Lucas said helpfully, gathering what materials he had taken out. “We did get the ghosts out; even if it wasn’t quite in the manner we intended to do. Think they’ll pay us for that?”
“Too bad all the money we made is probably going to getting them new furniture.” Kyrel replied morosely.
“Kyrel,” Saiah said with a sigh, “when we get back to Anateshka remind me to propose a bill banning anyone from saying…you-know-what.”
“You-know…oh. That. Probably a good idea.”
Lucas looked at his adoptive family in confusion.
“What are you talking about? What’s you-know-what?”
Kyrel fidgeted anxiously and looked towards the general direction where the inquisitors had run off.
“Oh, come on Lucas. You know…the people from the south who were supposed to be disbanded fifty-odd years ago and have a nasty reputation for arresting people on flimsy evidence and exacting horrible tortures on them for the rest of their miserable days until they convert to Lumerian Orthodoxy.”
“Oh, you mean the Lumerian Inquisition!”
In return for his discovery, Lucas received an utterly withering glance from his brother and a dejected sigh from his sister. It was at that moment he realized his mistake.
“Oops.”
About sixty feet away from the haunted house, the Lumerian Inquisition, still being violently attacked by evil furniture, were making an ill-fated charge back to the three siblings.
“Hurry up! We’re almost out of word space!” The high priest gasped as a chair swung at his leg.
“I’m trying, sir, but this lamp is making things difficult!” Acolyte Ashling said.
“On the bright side,” Saiah observed, “they seem to be later than usual. We probably should get out of here before they find us again.”
There was no one left to heed her advice- her brothers had already retreated to an advantageous position, which was to say as far away as they could possibly be at the moment.
“No one really listens to my advice anymore.” She said sadly as she meandered her way out of the house.
The End
“NOBODY EXPECTS THE- oh, bugger!”
