The Cliche Fantasy RP of DOOM

[Zylaa]

Prologue: The encounter of DOOM

It was a dark and stormy night.
A magical elven princess rode through the woods on her magical shiny unicorn. The elven princess was so beautiful that, like, the trees spontaneously developed vocal chords and started singing to her. And the unicorn sang. And the raindrops sang as they landed on the leaves.

Then an arrow came out of nowhere and stuck in the unicorn's neck.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed the elven princess, golden-blonde hair falling dramatically in front of her deep violet eyes. She leapt to the side with the grace of several cats as the unicorn toppled over. "I got blood on my perfect elvish dress!" Another arrow stuck in her sleeve. "Do you lummoxes know what this thing cost?!" she shouted into the night.

A Forsakenshadowswornwraith stepped out from behind a tree and chuckled evilly. He stepped towards the princess, an evil light glinting in his evil red eyes. "Give up the ring."

"No," she gasped, "it is Sazaramumble and his horde of expendable minions. I'm probably surrounded."

"Yes," sneered Sazaramumble.

"And you'll use magic if I try to flee."

"Yes."

"And I have no chance of escape."

"Yes."

"And if I resist you'll take me to the evil foul dungeons of Stench and torture me."

"Yes." The elven princess thought for a second. A bird sang a few notes and was shot by an enthusiastic expendable minion.

"To heck with that." She then drew upon the strength of the woodland and called forth a burst of spiffy elven power, and several minions screamed and fell to the ground in agony. She turned to flee, and her magical elven high heeled shoe caught on a tree root. She fell to the ground.

"No!" she gasped, and with her last burst of power, she held up the ring- and it vanished in a burst of brilliant light.

Sazaramumble looked at her skeptically. "Couldn't you have just teleported yourself away to safety too?" And as the princess heard him, she uttered a magical elven swear word, and fainted.

THE RULES:
1) Do not ask to join. If you do, you will be shot.
2) Whatever void there is in the cliche fantasy RP, fill it. We need a hero, a mysterious wise man, several sidekicks, and so on.
3) Make it as wonderfully cliche as possible.
4) You will notice that the prologue gives no clue as to who the main villain is, why he wants the ring, etc. Feel free to come up with any plot details you like, as long as it abides by Rule 3.
5) Eragon spoof? What do you mean, Eragon spoof? Ridiculous. I'd never do such a thing.

[katanal]

Somewhere....in either lush rolling valleys with birds singing or a dark nearly deserted tavern, an old man sat in contemplative/grim silence.

"so it has begun" he murmured to himself.

"bloody loon" a passing mutant said.

and with that, the old man snapped, fire smouldering in his eyes, and flew away on his magical horse named snowball.
_____
*meanwhile* doodododododdoooo

"i want a beer" the young, 17 year old said
"you're 4 years underage" the barman replied, for like.... the fifth time...
but he gave the kid a beer anyway
because what the heck, it's the country
everyone knows that people in rural areas drink tons of beer just for kicks cause there definitely isn't anything more important to do.
like farming.
for a living. and vital food.
nope.


then a dead body fell out of the sky

[Zylaa]

"Hey, a dead body just, like, fell out of the sky," another seventeen-year-old said. The villagers laughed hysterically.
"That Marvin boy, always so witty," said one man, apparently without sarcasm.
"Too bad he's such a badass knife-thrower with a mysterious past," said the barman after pouring the drink for the nameless kid.
"Wait, mysterious past?" a laundry woman said. "I thought he was the rebel son of the mayor who was born a week apart from the kid that wants a beer?"
"That too," said the bartender sagely, lowering his voice. The villagers leaned in eagerly to hear. "You see, the night before he was born, it was a night of portents. And when he was born, a wolf and a tiger and a bear all appeared on the hilltop and sang a groovy song of ominousness." The villagers ooohed appreciatively.
(woooOOO)

[katanal]

"i loled out loud
fo rizzle"

said the random
girl.
who then vanished.
er.

[enter skyth dyrkbourne]
stats:
height: 6'3
weight: 215
hair: black....like a raven
eyecolor: like a storm on the seas
(i'm rping as him for a minute)

I walked into the dirty tavern.... all at once....my eyes fell on her...
a beautiful young maiden, perhaps 17. her skin so fair, her hair so blonde. i was at once entranced....but i knew it could not be. there was some commotion in the bar and ihear... noi couldn't have...
"Did someone say...."OMNICIOUSNESS?" " I cried out with a wild look in my eye

The villagers all stepped back in fear...I have that effecton people. I'm sexy.
The young maiden spoke up...in a deeper voice than I had imagined...but still beautiful nonetheless....
"Yes....omniciousness...."
and she looked at me....and I felt my soul melt...at the same time as i felt my body melting from the dagger that was protruding through my Xiphoid ()
ouch.



[[for clarification.... skyth thinks our hero is a girl. i thought it's appropriate since the hero's always so....darn...girly.....
and it will make for fun in future ]]

[Zylaa]

"Gasp of horror!"
Marvin looked sideways at the villager who had spoken.
"Aren't you all supposed to actually gasp in horror?" he asked quizically, walking over to Skyth to retrieve his dagger.
"My gasping organ suffered from overuse and perished long ago," explained the villager. All the other villagers were looking in shock from Marvin to Skyth, writhing on the floor in an expanding pool of blood.
"Why?" asked the kid, eyes wide and pleading and innocent.
"He thought you were a girl," explained Marvin, though really, he thought, There can only be one ridiculously sexy badass man in this town...

[katanal]

Skyth:
As I drew my dying breath....I thought... "You will suffer my vengeance, Marvin of....darnit what's your last na---" And then I died.

Main Character:
Thank you so much for saving me from the approaches of that sexual predator Marvin!

"Don't mention it Petrol," Marvin shrugged as he resheathed his daggers and walked back to the barstool.

"Hey marvin.... What's in store for us do you think?"
Marvin sipped his fuzzy orange no lemon contemplatively...staring at the bug zapper intently...but not really seeing thefalling carcasses of the drosophilia.
"I don't know kid. But some day, Petrol....we're going to have adventures....someday" and with that, he swooshed his (gray?) hair dramatically and stalked sexily out of the tavern.

Petrol remained and took his non alcoholic beer in his hands.
"I wonder.... "

[Zylaa]

((Howabout black with silver streaks?))
Marvin stalked sexily down the street, ignoring the swooning females that fell down in his wake. Of course, he had to feed his best friend Petrol's hopes, but really, what was there for them to do? There was nothing in Littlevillage for them to do except herd sheep. It was dull. And boring. And rural. And dull.
Suddenly, Marvin realized that the dead body that fell out of the sky in the second post had entirely dissapeared. "There's something fishy going on around here," he muttered darkly.
And an even more chilling realization- the sky was cloudy. Surely any minute now something significant would happen.
Cloaked in invisibility on a nearby hill, a mysterious figure watched Marvin until it too succumbed to his charms of sexiness and fainted.

[Nocturne]

ZOMG.

Tanli
Bishie black hair, tall and slender. Black jacket and pants. Black shoes.

Tanli strode down the forest path, his bow hanging by his side. "Pfsh," he muttered angrily. "Stupid deer. Why do they keep dying? It's not like a poisoned arrow to the spine will kill someone. How am I supposed to eat?"
Suddenly, a little eeny baby Forsakenshadowswornwraith jumped out from behind a tree and ripped Tanli forcibly in half.
"DANG IT!" The baby screamed. "THAT'S THE EIGHTH TIME I MISTOOK SOMEONE FOR A DEER! STUPID HUNTERS! STOP KILLING ALL OF THE DANG DEER!"

(...Oh, um, he's dead. NEW CHARACTER. )

Bromgandalfkenobi
Grey, wispy hair. He wields big, wooden staff that has names of Bromgandalfkenobi's highschool girlfriends scribbled on it in permanent marker. Beside the big, overpowering brown tattered cloak that makes him look like the swamp monster from the black lagoon, he is entirely naked.

Bromgandalfkenobi (Though his long-dead friends call his BGK) was sitting a tavern, muttering something about oppresive governments and slain dragons. "Hey mate," one heavily drunk man whispered.
"I'm not your mate," BGK said quietly.
"...Hey mate," the drunk whispered again. "If the guards hear you, they'll rip out your spine and beat you with it."
"I don't have a spine," BGK muttered wearily. "Donated it years ago. Which explains why I look bent-over and old. I'm actually 36."
The drunk looked very confused.
BGK sighed and hobbled out of his chair. "Oi!" A guard shouted. "We heard you over there! Now we're going to rip out your spine and beat you with it!"
A guard lunged at BGK and grabbed at his back and gasped. "He don't have no spine!" He exclaimed.
The room was silent. BGK was silent, though that was probably because he had had a near-fatal heart attack from the guard's sudden attack.
"I can go now," BGK whispered, waving a hand in front of the guard.
"Ye can go now, sir," the guard said cheerily. "Have a nice day!"
BGK nodded and walked out, then noticed a hazy blur on a hill drop and roll around, apparently succumbing to sexy charms.
"Stupid paparazzi."

[Zylaa]

Marvin looked curiously at Bromgandalfkenobi. The guard of the Opressivedom of I-xqu'ell (hey, at least they're honest) were not known to let aside mumbling revolutionaries. Marvin wondered what BGK had been talking about- he had only heard "mumble mumble opression mumble mumble dragon go byebye." Which was curious, since everyone knew that dragons didn't exist.

[Zav]

Suddenly, a magnificent dragon flew out of nowhere and landed next to Marvin.
"Hello... purrr... I cna hear your thoughts... purr... of course dragons exist..."
Mariv looked baffled and his mouth fell open. He faints dramatically a hand on his forehead as he signed and fell to the ground lying in a flattering position as if a pose.
"What's up with him... purrr?" The dragon said softly. The sun glistening on its magnificent scales.

[katanal]

[[*interrupt*]]
I need a recap.
So Petrol's still in the bar.
Do we have a char description of him yet?
Marvin's turning out to be more of our protagonist than the badass sidekicks usually are....is it going to stay this way?
BGK is like wizard jedi and walking around mumbling things about dragons.
There's an oppressive government.
Marvin, even though he was on a hill a ways away, saw the incident with BGK and is all "oro?"
Someone's watching him from a hill in an invisibility cloak.
A dragon came by, and Marvin gave us an uncharacteristic faint.

Is that right?
[[*end interrupt*]]

As the dragon sat there nuzzling the unconscious body of Marvin, the sun rose.
And then it was midday.
And all of a sudden. There was a speck in the sky. The speck looked like a bird. Or maybe an airplane. But oh no.
When it got closer, it was revealed to be ANOTHER DRAGON! With SOMEONE ON IT!!
AND THAT SOMEONE HAD A SWORD!
Raising his mighty weapon high, the rider cried out "For God, Gold, and Glory!" And with that, he threw a bomb into the dragon's mouth and sheathed his sword.
The dragon died.
and the dragon-hating-narrator's voice boomed through the cosmos happily because the story would not have a main character that had a dragon friend dammit!

[Zav]

OOC:: Couldn't resist that mean guy fainting scene, or the dragon... they are in everything xD Oh and seen as I'm here, we are allowed to play any character, right? 'Cause that's what it looks like =D

BIC:: Marvin started to stir, he woke to the sounds of worried voices. All around him were the swooning females asking if he was ok. He stood up and stalked away ignoring the dead dragon lying a few meters away from him.

[Zylaa]

((Marvin is only the most prominent because I assumed you were in charge of Petrol, so you need to make Petrol do stuff.))
Marvin revived with an uncharacteristic gasp and ran back to the bar. "Petrol, my friend! There was a dragon! And an explosion!"
The bar patrons looked at him oddly. "I told you he drank too much," muttered one.

[katanal]

[[oh i thought we could adopt any character at any time. fine. petrol will now spring into action]]

"Besides, Petrol left a few hours ago with a jed--hackcough--cloaked man. who may or may not have had a spine to be beaten with," a patron added.
Marvin cursed
"Oh marvin you're SOOO bad!" a chorus of girls chorused.
****Meanwhile in the previously mentioned lush valley with eternally chirruping birds....(check like...the 2nd post)****
Petrol was shoved roughly on the ground by unseen hands.
"AGH! I CANT SEE YOUR HANDS!" Petrol screamed.
"We belong to Those Who Have No Hands" the people with no hands said.
"Then...how did you shove me roughly on the ground?"
"Wrist nubs"
"Wrist nubs?"
"yeah you know, like, if you take away your hands, you have wrist nubs where your arms end"
"but i felt fingers..."
"phantom pains"
"oh....wait no that's when you lose an appendage and you canstill feel it"
"right. we 'lost' our hands and you can still feel them"
"oh....okay....but--" "SHUT UP!" A voice, a new one, boomed within the small, but strangely acoustic confines of the wooden hut.
"now..... tell me your name boy..." the voice echoed.
"i'm petrol. son of Gaz. Son of Oyle. Son of Ko'al. Son of Wewyd. Son of Du'nynyng. Son of--"
"DID I ASK FOR YOUR LINEAGE? (lineage lineage eageage age ageagegege....)" the voice bellowed.
"er--""NO! I DID NOT! Now, Petrol..... It is time"
"for....what?" Petrol asked, wide eyed.
"stop that you look like a codfish. you know what it is time for.... search deep within yourself"
"it is time....."Petrol closed his eyes and barked under his breath"it is time...for.....tea"
"yes! time for!....wth no! not time for tea! you idiot! ---are you sure he's the one? Yes? very well then....Petrol....it is time for your destiny to manifest."
"it's time for manifest destiny?"
"in a sense"
"Then you must be Horace Greeley!"
"er no."
"I LOVE YOU"
"stop that. listen. you have a quest. and you will be undergoing changes---" "like puberty""---not really. but you must be ready. I am always here to help you if you need me. Just say these words: "ixyl heffpufythme'ya'yallie'ay rotis'rythoryie agrandiz'yto---"
"LOOK THERE HE IS!" Marvin shouted with a mob of village people. "DONT YOU HURT MY FRIEND!"
And fighting broke out.
"YOU FOOLS! YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU DID THIS!"
and everyone except for the people who have a name vanished in a puff of smoke. then the villageers reappeared because we just learned their names were Bob, Merlot, Francis, Juvayl, Yoki, Trio, Treo, Sam, Samlot, Samwise, Samantha, Phillippe, Snowy, Pinky, Mauve, and Duwo'yo'ithylmeth.

[Zylaa]

Marvin stopped and struck a pose. "Hey, those weird people just, like, vanished," he said. Francis, Yoki, Samantha, Pinky, Snowy, Mauve, and Duwo'yo'ithylmeth fainted in swoons of rapture. The men laughed manly laughs of appreciation. Marvin stepped over and helped Petrol up.
"Who were those people?"
"Horace Greeley and the Phantom Hands!" Petrol said. "They said I had a manifest destiny! Quick, let's kill off the native americans and go to California!"
"Clearly these people have addled his mind," Samlot said sadly. "There are no native americans here: we live in Middle Alagaesiwarts."
"Horace Greeley and the Phantom Hands would be a good name for a rock band," Marvin observed. The women of the village, who had just begun to recover, fell back again in swoons at his rapier wit.